Less than two months ago, my husband and I celebrated our first year of marriage. One year of living together as man and wife, one year of learning, unlearning, and adjusting to married life. Our first wedding anniversary was quite a time of reflection and thanksgiving for me.
According to statistics, the risk of divorce in the first year of marriage is quite high. For one, the first year of marriage is a time when many couples (including Christian couples) get a rude awakening that marriage is not the bed of roses that they always imagined it to be. They also begin to realize (as the initial tingles begin to slowly wear off) that it takes a lot of deliberate work to build a happy marriage and home.
So of course, celebrating that the first year made me really grateful to God and made my resolve even greater to do all I can through God’s help and grace to make my marriage work and please God.
I learned so much within just one year of marriage and I now understand why people claim that marriage is hard; I do not completely share this sentiment, however, I see the reasons why people say this.
Here are some of the valuable lessons I have learned in marriage so far:
1. Communication is important
I think the importance of communication in marriage is sometimes underemphasized. Looking at most of the misunderstandings my spouse and I had in the past, I’d say they stemmed from communication problems. One person said one thing, the other understood and interpreted it to mean a different thing; one person made wrong assumptions, the other person got frustrated with trying to pass the same message across over and over again.
Communication is very important because that’s what couples spend a huge part of their days doing anyway, so, little wonder why it is the most likely source of conflict for many couples.
I have learned that being open, upfront, yet wise and kind with my words goes a long way to set a good atmosphere in my marriage.
Proverbs 15:1 says A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2. The Holy Spirit gives the best marriage advice
This was a lesson I learnt while my husband and I were going through a tough argument and I was under so much pressure. I didn’t like the way we were both handling the situation.
I had no idea on what to do to extinguish the fire of conflict that was burning, so I simply prayed and desperately asked for the help of the Holy Spirit. He gave me the wisdom and exact words to say to my husband and the issue was resolved within minutes.
After this encounter, I marveled at how the Holy Spirit had given me a solution to a marital conflict when I was in dire need of it.
There are times when we do not remember all the marriage tips that were given to us at premarital counselling or tips we read in books on marriage, this is the perfect time to enlist the Holyspirit’s help. The Holy Spirit is always ready to help us and teach us what to do, all we need to do is ask!
3. Your Spouse is not the Enemy, the devil is!
In the midst of conflicts, it is easy for us to begin to war against our spouses, thinking they are the enemy when the devil is the actual enemy. He is the one I ought to launch an attack on not my spouse.
Well, you might ask but the devil is not the one who leaves the dirty dishes in the sink without washing them, he’s not the one speaking hurtful words. Yes, the devil might not be the one making those offenses in the flesh but he capitalizes on couples’ individual weaknesses as well as our inability to forgive or let go; and he derives joy from spouses being at war with each other.
Ephesians 6:12 tells us that our battle is not against flesh and blood. The devil goes to and fro not just seeking people to devour but he seeks to destroy marriages too. Learning this has helped me to approach conflicts with more wisdom, and prayerfully too.
4. Happy people make happy marriages
People go into marriages thinking it is their one way ticket to the blissful land of “Happily ever after”; because their spouse would always be there to make them happy.
Marriage is much easier when both parties take responsibility for their individual happiness. While our spouses have a commitment to us to be there for us through thick and thin; to be faithful and loving; the burden of our happiness is ours to bear.
I realized early in my marriage that I can choose to be happy and not be sad even when my husband does something that is unpleasant to me. My marriage is happier when I am intentional about my emotional and mental well being. How do I ensure that wellbeing? By taking out time to indulge in self-care and do the things I love, enjoy, and am passionate about.
5. The Bible is the authentic blueprint for marriage
God is the true originator of marriage and the authentic blueprint for it is his written word (the bible)….No matter what the world says!
It is said that “When the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable”.
The only way to have a marriage that pleases God is to know his purpose for it and such purpose can be found in the word and not the World. The world has tried to pervert the concept of marriage in all kinds of ways in the name of being modern or cool.
I have learned that a marriage is bound to succeed and stand every test when it is built on the solid word of God.
Some of my favorite bible verses on marriage and love can be found in Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Corinthians 13, Proverbs 18:22.
6. Marriage is easier when you can both forgive and extend grace to each other
No matter how much we love our spouses or how much they love us, they would definitely offend us in one way or another. Marriage is easier when both spouses can easily forgive offences and move on without holding grudges against each other.
7. There is more to intimacy than just sex
Most times, when intimacy is mentioned in the context of marriage, many people think it is automatically synonymous to sex. There is more to intimacy in marriage than just sexual intercourse. Intimacy also involves the non-sexual physical contact shared between spouses, the emotional connection fostered in the course of having deep vulnerable conversations. However, I have also discovered that good sex is a by-product of good intimacy in a marriage.
8. Godly marriages experience conflicts too
I had a phase in my marriage when my spouse and I would have misunderstandings and I would begin to doubt that he was God’s will for me. God eventually opened my eyes to see that just because I encounter conflicts in my marriage does not mean it is not God-ordained.
Having a Godly Christian marriage does not mean there would be an absence of conflicts but as children of God we are better poised to confidently handle marital conflicts with Godly wisdom and have triumph.
9. You do not stop being a single entity because you are married
A lot of times, people assume that being joined to someone in marriage means that they can no longer have their own individuality.
While I am a wife and homemaker, I also make time to pursue my own hobbies, individual interests and most importantly my relationship with God.
10. Marriage is best done behind closed doors
We are in the social media age where people easily get carried away and come on twitter or instagram to rant about wrongs that their spouses have committed against them. While weddings are mostly a public spectacle, marriage itself is not for public consumption; if at all a third party would be invited to settle disputes, it should be a trusted Godly counsellor.
I have learnt that the nitty gritty of marriage is done within the four walls of my home where I have sacred conversations with my husband, some of which should never be heard by anyone else but us. This preserves the sanctity of my home.
Here’s a bonus Lesson for you: Marriage requires that you are intentional. A good marriage does not just happen by chance; hence marriage is work and is not for those who are not willing to put in the work
